If It Weren't for Bad Luck
by Vanessa Sgroi
Summary: Tony finds himself having a serious run of bad luck. But why? Written for the 2015 NFA White Elephant Exchange.


**Title: If It Weren't for Bad Luck  
Characters: Tony, Tim, cameos by Gibbs, Ellie, Ducky  
Genre: Mystery, humor  
Rating: K+  
Word Count: 3,151**

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Written for the White Elephant Exchange (for akaeve) over at the NCIS Fanfiction Addiction Forum. Her prompt set was as follows:

1) X-over between all three, NCIS, LA and NO. They must meet in Tulsa Oklahoma, which is just within a 1250 mile radius of all three. Anyway Ellie from Oklahoma. Any two from LA and Pride and ? from NO, the full team from Washington. Tony must say/sing somewhere in the story, "Only 24hrs for Tulsa" and I would like Pride and Gibbs to be "Old School", remember "Old School still works in Louisiana" "Old school still works here."

2) As I am a water baby, water being my forte at work in the utilities and have looked into the water system of D.C., a body is found floating down the Potomac and wedges itself next to the Navy Yard. It has come from the storm drains, body can be either Navy or Marines, retired or active, old or young. You can if you wish include Borin, although she isn't one of my favoured characters.

3)"Poisoned Chalice"= a job or piece of work that will cause many problems for the person who is forced to do it. Or something that seems very good when it is first received but in fact does great harm to the person who receives it. An assignment or award or honour which is likely to prove a disadvantage or source of problems to the recipient. Can be Tony, or Tim or even Abby or Jimmy. Where Gibbs delegates, or Ducky delegates or even SecNav to Vance. Well you get my drift.

 **I mostly used Prompt #3, though I blended in elements of Prompts 1 & 2.**

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to NCIS. I'm just having a little fun with the characters.

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 **If It Weren't for Bad Luck…**

 **By: Vanessa Sgroi**

"Hey, Tony, got a delivery for you!"

"Hey, Jack!" Tony greeted the younger man from the mailroom. "Whatchya got for me?"

"This box right here." Jack extracted said box from his full cart and sat it on DiNozzo's desk. It was of medium size and wrapped in nondescript brown paper.

Tony's face lit up. "Oooh, a present! Wonder who sent it." He pulled the package toward him and scanned the mailing label. "Thanks, Jack." Tony waved as the kid from the mailroom walked away.

McGee glanced up from his computer. "Careful, Tony, you know what happened the last time you opened a mysterious package."

DiNozzo pursed his lips. "Ooh, good point!" He pressed his ear to the package. "Well, it's not ticking." Tony grabbed scissors and slit the packing tape and pushed aside the brown paper revealing a wooden crate of some sort. A folded piece of paper was stuck in one of the corners of the lid. He reached for the note and cautiously unfolded it. He broke into a big grin.

"Ha! No worries! It's from my old school buddy, John Moon. He says, _'Saw this and thought of you.'_ Ah, good ol' Moonie. Great guy!"

Assured of its safety, Tony pried off the lid and dug into the box, sending crumpled paper flying. His hands closed around the item cloaked inside and pulled it out. It was a wooden statue of some sort. Tony turned it face up, physically recoiling at the sheer ugliness of the piece in front of him. Razor sharp teeth framed an oversized tongue that bulged, lopsided, from the mouth. Large slitted eyes glared from just above the mouth. There was no nose to speak of and the rest of the statue was "naked" with odd lumps and bumps arranged haphazardly about. A chain was draped from shoulder to hip bandolier-style.

Tim eyed the statue with distaste. "He thought of you when he saw it?" He stood and approached DiNozzo's desk. "Well, now that I look closer, I can see why. I see the resemblance."

"Oh haha. You know, it kinda reminds me of the killer tiki doll from the old made-for-TV movie Trilogy of Terror. I bet that's why he sent it to me!" Tony proudly arranged the statue so that it was facing him on the corner of his desk.

A half hour later, a commotion at Tony's desk roused McGee from the spreadsheet he'd been studying. He looked over at Tony's desk and saw his co-worker drop his pen down on the desk and fumble with his new doll. "What're you doing?"

"I'm turning Fred around…"

"Fred?"

Tony shrugged. "I'm turning him around 'cause…'cause I feel like his eyes are following me," DiNozzo admitted sheepishly.

"Well, don't turn it this way! That thing's too ugly to be staring in my direction!"

"Fine." Tony turned it so it was facing Ellie Bishop.

"Nuh uh," she said without even looking up. "Don't even THINK about having it face me!"

Gibbs chose to stride into the bullpen just as Tony was turning the statue to face his desk. "What the hell is _that_ thing, DiNozzo?"

"A gift from an old friend, Boss."

"A _friend_? You sure?"

"Yeah, Boss. An old friend from school."

"And is this gift going home with you tonight?" Gibbs' tone clearly defined the answer before Tony opened his mouth.

"Yeah, Boss."

Gibbs sat and glared at the doll for several seconds, his steely frown nearly as frightening as the hideous face on the doll. He broke eye contact when the phone on his desk rang. He spoke briefly and hung up.

"Grab your gear!"

Tony shot to his feet while simultaneously reaching for his bag. "My turn to drive! Where to, Boss?"

"Our own front yard, DiNozzo."

"Our own front…huh?"

"They just pulled a body from the Potomac. Damn near on our doorstep."

"Oh. So no driving then…got it." Tony's eyes fell on the statue on his desk. A spur of the moment decision had him picking it up and stashing it in a desk drawer before hurrying off to catch up with the rest of the team at the elevator.

**NCIS**

Manning the camera, DiNozzo snapped a number of pictures of the body and surrounding area before McGee squatted down and carefully checked for any sort of ID. Finding none, he glanced at Gibbs.

"No ID, Boss. But it doesn't look like he's been in the water too long. I might get lucky with the fingerprint scanner."

"Indeed, young Timothy," Ducky's voice heralded his arrival on scene. He picked his way cautiously through the muddy ground, eyeing the pale skin against the dark blue uniform in which the body was clad. "You have a good eye, my boy. I concur with your astute observations. This gentleman has not been in the water long."

Ducky began a cursory examination of the body while McGee used the fingerprint scanner.

A sudden yelp from near the river caught everyone's attention. DiNozzo was face down in the mud with the camera held high in one hand. He pushed himself up, swiped at his mud-covered face, and spit. He glanced sheepishly at his co-workers as he swiped his free hand ineffectually at the muck covering him. "Sorry—I…uh…I slipped." He suddenly grinned. "Saved the camera though!"

McGee looked back at his scanner when it beeped. "Uh, Boss?"

"Yeah, McGee?"

"I got nothing on the fingerprints. No hits—at least not for the military."

"No ID, no name badge, no fingerprints. Our vic's not in the military."

McGee shook his head. "Doesn't look like it."

"So the question is—what is he doing in a full dress Navy uniform?"

**NCIS**

Back inside the bullpen, Tony exchanged one bag for another. "I'm gonna go get cleaned up then I'll download the crime scene photos." He was just turning to head off when he spied the doll perched on the corner of his desk.

"Hey, who let Fred out?"

"What?" McGee muttered distractedly as he tapped away at this keyboard.

"Fred. I put him in my desk before we left. Who let him out?"

Tim stopped typing and glanced at Tony, offering a slight shrug. "Maybe Abby was up here looking for one of your candy bars again."

Tony's brow furrowed for a second. "Yeah, that's probably it. She does love it when I restock those 3 Musketeers bars."

"That's it then," agreed Tim, "she came up, went grab a candy bar, saw that…thing…and took it out. Probably just forgot to put it away."

"Right. That's gotta be it. Okay, shower time! I smell like a sewer!"

"Really? I thought that was your cologne…"

"Oh hardy har har," exclaimed DiNozzo as he marched away.

Tony returned to his desk, freshly showered and clothed, twenty minutes later. "So, McGruff, did you go all clickity-clackity and solve the case while I was gone?"

"Wish I could say yes." Tim looked up and smiled. "Hey, what happened to your cheek? You do that when you fell outside?"

DiNozzo touched the bruise on his cheek. "Uh…no…I just did this in the shower." He shrugged. "Not my day, I guess." Tony grabbed the camera and sat down, preparing to download the pictures he'd taken earlier. After a minute or so, he frowned and swiped at his computer monitor. "Ah, c'mon!"

"Toooony, what have I told you before about beating up your computer?" McGee scolded.

Tony huffed out a breath. "I know. But the stupid thing's not seeing the pictures. They're right here! I'M looking right at them!"

McGee rose and walked to Tony's desk. "Here—let me." Tim tapped a few keys on the keyboard, studied the monitor for a second, and then tapped a few keys again. "There you go. All the pictures are now downloaded."

"How…?"

Tim wiggled his fingers and grinned. "It's a gift."

**NCIS**

Tony entered his empty apartment with a grateful sigh. After a day spent chasing their tails and smacking face-first into dead ends, Gibbs had finally told them all to go home, get some rest, and be back early, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Or in true Gibbs' speak, "Get outta here for the night."

It was late—past midnight. The takeout food they'd devoured earlier had long since worn off, and Tony briefly considered making something to eat. He settled for a couple of heaping spoonsful of peanut butter before heading off to bed. The mattress felt heavenly as did the pillow beneath his head. He closed his eyes, almost immediately drifting off into a deep sleep.

**NCIS**

The next morning, Ellie Bishop watched DiNozzo trudge to his desk. "Wow, Tony! You look exhausted!"

"That's because I AM exhausted," Tony grumbled. He swigged the jumbo coffee he was carrying.

"Couldn't sleep?" she asked.

"Oh no—I could sleep—DID sleep—for all of 45 minutes," Tony muttered glumly. "Then a fire alarm went off in my building and they evacuated us. Wouldn't let us back in until they cleared the building…"

"That couldn't have taken that long, could it?" queried McGee, who had walked in just at the tail end of Tony's comment.

Tony held up a finger. "True! But the problem was—no sooner did they call the all clear when another alarm sounded. So it started all over again."

"Man, that sucks."

Tony rubbed a hand down his face. "Happened three times! By the time the firefighters were done, it was time for me to shower and come to work."

"And they never found anything?"

"Nope."

"Wow, that really does suck," Ellie agreed.

Gibbs suddenly rounded the corner. "DiNozzo, McGee—pack your bags..."

DiNozzo started to grab his go-bag then paused. "Wait—Boss, you said 'pack' your bags, not 'grab' your bags. We goin' somewhere?"

"Tulsa."

"Tulsa?"

"Heard of hearing, DiNozzo?"

"No. Just curious why the trip to the center of the country."

"Dwayne Pride called me an hour ago. Wanted to know why we're circulating a photo of his suspect."

"You mean our dead body?"

"You got it. Except his suspect and our dead body can't possibly be the same man because they've seen their suspect while our dead body was still floating in the Potomac."

"What's their guy suspected of?"

"Fire bombing that nightclub in New Orleans two weeks ago. They're thinking that a terror cell here in the States may have been activated. Pride and LaSalle are in Tulsa for meeting later today. Callen and Hanna are there as well. I want you two there. Your seats are booked."

"Got it, Boss. Off to Tulsa it is."

**NCIS**

"I can't believe our plane was diverted," muttered Tim as they loaded their backpacks into the trunk of a rental car. Something tumbled from Tony's bag, and Tim made a grab for it.

"Tony, seriously? You brought that doll?!"

"It's not a doll! It's a statue!" DiNozzo grabbed it and shoved it back into his back. "And I didn't mean to bring it; I just forgot to take it out of my bag." Tony hurried to the driver's side door. "C'mon, we better get going."

"Yeah, if we don't get there soon we'll miss the meeting altogether."

"I'll drive as fast as I can, McGee. Not sure how fast this bucket of bolts will go."

**NCIS**

The next morning their return flight touched down in DC, rolled to the gate, and soon Tim and Tony, white-faced and shaky, deplaned. Tony resisted the urge to fall to his knees and kiss the ground.

"Tony," McGee paused to clear his raw throat. "Tony, I've been thinking."

"You mean in between up close and personal visits with the sick bag?" croaked DiNozzo.

"Hey, you were right there throwing up beside me! And yes, in between throwing up, I was doing some thinking."

"Do tell," muttered DiNozzo.

"You need to get rid of that doll."

"Statue."

"Doll. Statue. Whatever. You need to get rid of it! I think it's bad luck."

"Bad luck?" Tony chuckled. "You mean like cursed?"

"Don't laugh, Tony. Remember that voodoo doll of you awhile back? You were convinced IT worked. Think about it—ever since you got THIS doll, you've had nothing but bad luck."

"I think you're overexaggerating, McHysterical."

McGee held up a finger. "You fell at the crime scene. And later in the shower. Then your building had the problems with the fire alarms..."

"Yeah, but..."

"Then there was the plane being diverted yesterday forcing us to drive the rest of the way to Tulsa. And think about yesterday afternoon..."

"The meeting went all right," DiNozzo argued as they headed out of the airport toward his car.

"Yeah, until it was almost over. Then we got evacuated because of tornado warnings—in fact, a tornado touched down not too far away. The weather was so bad, our flight back got canceled. Not just _our_ flight but all flights."

"Well, when you put it like that…"

"And what about the motel last night?" continued Tim, still counting items off on his fingers.

"What about it? I slept fine."

"There was only one room left. We had to share a bed—I'm still traumatized."

"Hey, it was a King-size bed," protested Tony.

McGee ran a hand down his face. "Trust me. King-size wasn't big enough. Then there was that plane ride we just had. There was so much turbulence that we were both puking into plastic bags. Has that ever happened before?"

"Well…no…"

"See—it's that doll!"

"Okay, say it IS the doll. What do I do with it?"

"I don't know. Send it back?"

"I can't do that! If it's cursed, I can't send it back to my buddy."

"He sent it to you! Maybe he's not really your friend."

"Nah, John would never do that."

"Okay, so no sending it back. How about donating it to a thrift shop?"

"Uh…cursed object, McGee…"

"Oh. Right. Uh…burn it?"

Tony shook his head. "If it IS bad luck, it might start a bigger fire."

"Good point. Okay, so you can't send it back, can't donate it, can't set it on fire. How about you have a priest exorcise it?"

"Oh, no. I've seen enough movies—that never goes well."

"So what do you suggest?"

"Uh…I dunno…" DiNozzo looked over at McGee and grinned. "Give it to Gibbs? It wouldn't dare curse him with bad luck."

"Tony, watch out!" yelled McGee as a car in the other lane suddenly swerved, cutting off Tony's car and missing his bumper by a scant three inches.

Tony hit the brakes and swore. "Idiot! Watch where you're going!"

"Man, that was close."

"Yeah, too close," murmured Tony. "You're right. We need to get rid of that doll."

"We?"

"Well, yeah, you're gonna help, aren't you?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Fine. I'll help. And I've got an idea. Why don't we sink it in the Potomac?"

"Yeah, yeah—that's a great idea! Wait—what if that curses the whole river?"

"We seal it up first."

"Right! I have the box it came in at work. We'll seal it up, good and tight, weight it down, and throw it in! Should I run the doll over with the car before I put it in the box?"

McGee shook his head. "What if that transfers the curse to the car?"

"Right. Bad idea. We'll just stuff it in the box."

Tim's cell phone rang. "Hey, Boss. Yeah? Really?" McGee looked at Tony and said, "Gibbs says there was a break in the case while we were on the plane." He returned his attention to the phone. "Yeah, I can do that as soon as we get back to the office. We're almost there…" McGee hung up and put his phone back in his pocket.

"So we dispose of the doll later then?" DiNozzo confirmed.

McGee nodded. "The sooner, the better."

**NCIS**

Later that day, under the pretext of grabbing dinner for the team, DiNozzo and McGee headed for the banks of the Potomac, box in hand. Fat dark clouds hung low in the sky and, though there was no rain yet, portentous thunder rumbled overhead.

McGee warily eyed the sky. "Let's get this over with before we get struck by lightning."

"Okay, okay. I put the thing inside and sealed the box with nails I got from Abby. Not sure why she has a hammer and nails in her lab but hey… Now all we need is a couple of good-sized rocks."

They both searched for a few minutes and came up with what they needed.

"So how do we affix the rocks to the box, Tony?"

"We don't." Tony looked up and smiled as the first raindrops began to fall. A loud rumble of thunder vibrated through the air. DiNozzo held up a canvas bag. "We put them in here. Then we put in the crate. Then we tie it with a rope like this…" Tony panted as he finished tying the rope. He straightened and gestured toward the river. "There. Now all we do is throw it in." The tentative raindrops suddenly became a downpour.

They both lifted the bag, heavy as it was with the rocks and crate inside. They inched as close as they could to the water, swung the canvas bag back and forth several times to gain momentum, and on the count of three, flung it as far as they could into the river. They squinted through the rain and watched it sink.

A clap of thunder roared overhead and a gust of wind throttled nearby trees.

**NCIS**

Just as he was swallowing the last of his cheeseburger, Tony's computer pinged indicating he'd just received an email. Pushing aside his few remaining French fries, he reached for his mouse and navigated to the email program and opened the missive that had just arrived. His smile faded.

Balling up his own paper food wrappings, McGee tossed them in the trash and glanced at Tony. "Hey, Tony, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Tony cleared his throat before answering. "Uh…remember my friend, John Moon?"

"Yeah, the one who sent you that creepy-assed doll we just threw in the Potomac."

"He didn't…"

"Didn't what?"

"According to him, he didn't send me that doll. I'd emailed him to say thanks when it came. He just got it. He says he's been climbing the Matterhorn for the last month. Never mailed a package to me."

"So if he didn't send it, who did?"

"Well, I guess that's the million dollar question, isn't it?"

**NCIS**

Out on the Potomac, under the fearsome lash of rain and wind, a box appeared. Shoved along on the fast moving and treacherous currents, it bobbed and weaved, barreling its way toward the Chesapeake Bay. It snagged on various rocks, branches, and other detritus but never stayed constrained for long. Repeatedly shrugging off all restraint and always continuing on its meandering way unscathed.

Eventually it would find its destined place to land.

 _ **FIN**_


End file.
